For people diagnosed with depression, understanding it as a medical illness is often a relief. It gives us permission to stop blaming ourselves for our sadness, apathy, and inability to enjoy life. It also gives us permission to be angry at others who “don’t get it.”
Or does it?
The reality is most people don’t empathize with depression the way they would understand a more obvious physical illness, like a broken leg. Despite efforts to destigmatize mental illness, there’s a long way to go.
That’s unfortunate, because depression is lonely and often devastating. It gets tangled up with emotional, mental, and physical issues, and it’s not easy thing to grasp or overcome.
But here’s the thing. With or without the stigma, it’s up to us to take up the challenge of healing. And it’s important to understand that no illness gives anyone a pass on bad behavior.
No one gets through life alone. Depression will tempt you to believe there’s no hope—or hope—for you. Don’t believe it!
Get Depression Out of Your Head
The problem with depression is it gets in your head, making you more likely to act out than if you had something like a broken leg. The symptoms of depression, unfortunately, include emotions and ideas that can end up creating self-fulling prophecies.
When you don’t recognize and address the symptoms, your brain starts to berate you for having the symptoms in the first place. You start to believe you’re unworthy, hopelessly flawed, or a loser.
We all have thoughts like these sometimes. Depression will make them your mantra(s), so watch out, and practice not believing what the demons coax you to believe.
You are not inherently flawed, hopelessly lost, less than others, or unworthy of love!
Another thing to consider is there’s a spiritual component to overcoming depression. By spiritual I mean you won’t get better until you believe you’re a valuable part of creation. And to do that you almost always have to believe in something greater than you.
If you don’t come to that conclusion, your disdain for your life may snowball and eventually drive people away. Even people who get it. This is part of the self-fulfilling prophecy I mentioned.
The less people know about depression, the more challenging it will be to keep them in your life while struggling you’re with symptoms. Well-meaning people will want you to feel better not just for you, but also because it’s hard to be around a depressed person.
It’s Up to You, But Not You Alone
Other people are not solely responsible for fixing our problems. Even those who want to help often can’t.
At the same time, though—and this is important—we can’t fix our problems alone. We all need help.
A person with a broken leg tends to have a better understanding of how to fix the problem and where to turn for help, but they still need to participate in the fixing. Try getting your muscle strength back once the cast comes off without exercise or physical therapy, for example.
The difference is depression is so much in your head that it will tell you nothing someone else suggests will work. Your situation is different. Your problem is too complicated, and you are a hopeless victim of confusion or despair.
This false belief can cause you to get angry and withdraw even more until finally “no one cares.”
Take Hold of Depression and Change It
The first thing to do is stop looking for who or what you can blame. Even if you could identify a culprit, you won’t be able to go back and make the cause (much more likely causes, including your own behavior) disappear.
The second thing to do is to find people and activities that can help. (They’re out there.)
The third is—you guessed it—be part of the solution. If you’re not part of the solution, nothing will work. And the resources you find in step two will be lost.
It’s not that no one cares. (Yeah, some people don’t, but we’re not talking about them.) It’s that they can’t help you if you don’t understand how to help yourself. If they keep trying to help you even though you aren’t helping yourself, they will end up depressed as well.
Yes, depression is contagious.
What To Do About Depression
Here are some things most people with depression probably need to do to feel better.
1. Move!
I can’t overemphasize this. Part of why you feel so bad is your blood isn’t flowing, your muscles aren’t working, and you’re sitting in the dark instead of spending some time in the sun.
But you’re broken and exhausted, so you need rest, right? Yes. You really do. But you also need to move. Don’t worry. You can do it.
Still, just as you wouldn’t expect a person with a broken leg to go on a six-hour hike up a steep mountain, be easy on yourself. Don’t expect to keep up with others, and seek the company of people who understand why you can’t.
In fact, for the most part, if you try to do things non-depressed people can do, you may end up disappointing those people and yourself. Don’t let their inability to accept what’s real about your illness stop you. Don’t internalize the unrealistic expectations of others.
But also—seriously, listen up here—move! Watching TV in the dark all day is not the solution. It will never be the solution.
It’s fine to hide in the dark for a few hours. In fact, it may even be helpful. But then—
Do something. Anything. You won’t feel better if you don’t move.
I tell people if you’re depressed, just do one thing—one thing you know you can do, even if you don’t want to. So, go grocery shopping, for instance. But don’t sign up for a weekend of aerial yoga. At least, not yet.
Unless you honestly think you can do that.
Step out of your comfort zone, but don’t take a flying leap off a cliff in defiance of your limitations. You’ll probably find that once you start moving, you’ll want to keep going for longer than you thought possible.
2. Find your people.
This is harder. For many of us, depression is a result of or exacerbated by not easily finding where we fit in. Maybe we have less celebrated interests and personalities. But that doesn’t mean we’re not wildly necessary, lovable, and important.
People in our lives will try to convince us we feel isolated and alone because we’re not trying hard enough to fit in with them.
It’s not the reason.
It may be that they’re not trying hard enough to fit in with us (if they’re committed to some kind of connection). Or—and this is more likely—that we’re different and that’s okay. That can’t be “fixed.”
Unfortunately, many people who aren’t part of the norm begin to believe there’s something wrong with them, that they’re not worthy or lovable or even likeable. That gets internalized and leads to or exacerbates depression.
Once you see that and begin to discover you’re not alone, you can move toward a different experience. Humans need connection, and when a person has fewer options for connection because of who they are, it’s depressing.
But it’s not hopeless. And in no case is anyone’s worthiness dependent on the opinion of others anyway.
3. Stop comparing and wishing you were perfect.
Another reason depression is so hard to manage is all-or-nothing thinking. I was listening to an interview with a spiritual teacher who pointed out how we’ve become over-focused on success and achievement.
“What if you’re a loser or mediocre?” she pondered. “Then there’s no place for you.”
And that’s unfortunate. Because there’s value in all experiences, in all people, and in all of creation. The reality is not everyone will see that, but those who do see it have a richer experience of life. I know because I didn’t like myself much until I realized I don’t have to be—and don’t want to be—perfect. The illusion of perfection protects us from the fear that we’re unworthy.
We’re all worthy.
4. Look for ways to connect, not compete.
If we’d all learn to see things in terms of connection rather than winning and losing, we’d all feel good about ourselves. Instead of looking for something to excel at or focusing on what’s so great about you (or worrying that nothing’s great about you), think more about how you can connect and be part of something bigger.
Once you’ve done that, there’s no reason not to enjoy the things you’re good at. But don’t be defined in such a narrow way.
Unfortunately, our world doesn’t work this way, so you’ll need to do some hunting to figure out how you can work this way. Many people are stuck in the fear, selfishness, and ignorance that only being a winner can mask. (But that’s another topic.)
5. Stop saying life sucks!
Actually, if you believe life sucks, you might as well keep saying it. But it’s keeping you stuck. If you want to conquer depression, you’ll need to find gratitude for something, and you’ll need to work on joy.
Yes, it will be work at first, because up until now you believed the lies about yourself and about life that are keeping you depressed.
The sooner you get to work, the sooner you’ll change the habits and thought patterns that keep you from loving your life.
Just as our friend with the broken leg needs to start physical therapy before those leg muscles atrophy, you’ll need to start working on joy before it’s too late. Nothing will change if you don’t believe it can change.
Start with just one thing.
Third Eye 